Now that the golfing season is in full bloom, a few more golfisms would seem to be in order, and helpful, to wit:

• The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

• If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

• Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

• It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty-foot putt - for an 8.

• There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

• There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

• If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker; if both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

• It's easier to get up at 6 a.m. to play golf than at 10 a.m. to mow the yard.

• Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

• Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

• A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are; that's why you get so many calls to play with friends.

• If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

• Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

• It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks and rake his sand traps.

• It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and pass gas if you are performing brain surgery.



Here's one of the 30 million or so golf jokes hanging around:

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said "That's okay, sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five, and that's okay, but I think we can do better on the next hole."

To which she replied, "Listen, dummy, don't blame me. Only two of those five shots were mine."