A doctor, a civil engineer and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked, "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, "Ah, that's all well and good, but who do you think created the chaos?"
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"
"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"
"Intelligence," the boss said.
"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?" said the digger.
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."
The ditch digger took a mighty swing to hit the boss' hand. The boss quickly removed his hand and the ditch digger's hand hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"
"He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" said the friend.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets. They broke and the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror and saw that his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
Bob and Joe sat next to each other taking a test. When they finished, the teacher called them up to the front of the room and said, "Boys, I will have to give both of you a zero on this test."
"Why?" they wanted to know, though Joe was shifting uncomfortably.
She said, "Your answers were too nearly alike. One of you cheated and the other one let him do it."
"What makes you think we cheated?" Bob asked. "That could have been a coincidence."
The teacher said, "I might have believed that if it wasn't for the fact that when you came to question 10, Bob wrote in 'I don't know' for the answer, and you, Joe, put 'Me neither'!"