|11/18/2008 8:00:00 AM|
Life: More surprising than it appears to be
|A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" |
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asks, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me."
Somebody with too much time on his hands has compiled this list of remarks by late show hosts:
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three." - David Letterman
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry." - Jay Leno
"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again." - Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Today President Bush urged all Americans to be patient with the war on terrorism. I think we're pretty patient. Election day took what, three months?" - Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra time." - Jay Leno
"Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern." - David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." - Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What's next, a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box." - Jay Leno
"More and more news coming out about this Osama bin Laden guy. He's 6'5" and has 42 children. Or, as the NBA calls him, a rookie." - Jay Leno
"The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and said bin Laden has 42 children. That's going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night." -Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders."- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again." - Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me; all these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his namewould be Miss Cleo, he'd be in a carnival and charging $2.99 a minute." - Jay Leno
"People are being much, much nicer to each other in New York. And I have to be honest, it's kind of weird. The other night at Shea Stadium, instead of yelling 'You suck!' at the Braves, Mets fans were yelling, 'Others are better than you!'" - Conan O'Brien
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300 million. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money and he'll be dead in a week." - Jay Leno
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