A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists. The professor offered the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?"

When nobody spoke for the third time, the professor simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One of the students asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, so the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student said, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

The student was given an "A" in the class by the professor.

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says "Oh, just a beer."

The bartender asked the man, "What's wrong, why are you so down today?"

The man said, "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month."

The bartender said, "So, what's wrong with that?"

The man said, "The month is up tonight."

This homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house.

"You did a great job," he said, and handed the man a check. "And to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope," replied the painter. "I'm here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Two men, Robert and James, applied for an engineering position. Since both applicants had the same qualifications, the department manager asked them to take a test. Both men missed but one of the questions.

The manager told them that but said to Robert, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give James the job."

Robert replied, "Why? We both correctly answered all but one of the questions. I believe I should get this job, especially since I've grown up in this town and James just moved here." The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

"How could one incorrect answer be better than the other?" asked Robert.

"Simple," said the manager. "James put down on question 5, 'I don't know,' and you put down, 'Neither do I.'"

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed when on reading the enclosed card, it expressed "Deepest Sympathy."

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's alright," said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" asked the storekeeper.

"Congratulations on your new location."