• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

• I had amnesia once - or twice.

• I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

• Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

• All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

• If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle

• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

• They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

• Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

• Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

• Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

• My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

• The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

• How can there be self-help "groups"?

• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

• Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Provided you are not already turned off, try these:

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It isn't the jeans that make your rear end look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they have moved the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.

26. I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.