Notices of instruction that left the reader puzzled:

In the toilet of a London office - Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

In a laundromat - For automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a London department store - Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office - Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In an office - After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

Outside a second-hand shop - We exchange anything, bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Notice in a health shop window - Closed due to illness.

Spotted in a safari park - Elephants please stay in your car.

Notice in a farmer's field - The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet - If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

On a repair shop door - We can repair anything.(please knock hard on the door because the bell doesn't work).

In case you needed further proof that the human race is badly in need of help, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions, Use like regular soap.

Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion, Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks and Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning, may cause drowsiness.

On a kitchen knife: Warning, Keep out of children.

On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts warning: Contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

That's enough of such inanities. Let us move ahead to these innovative putdowns you might file for future use when the occasion arises:

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

6. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

7. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

8. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

9. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

10. How about never? Is never good for you?

11. You sound reasonable. Time to increase my medication.

12. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

13. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

14. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

15. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.