There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to Heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet Saint Peter.

Seeing the suitcase Saint Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" The man explains to Saint Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Saint Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Saint Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,

"You brought pavement?!"

This fellow walked into a bar he had never been in before and ordered a drink. He then asked the bartender if he enjoyed dumb-jock jokes.

The beefy attendant leaned over the bar and fixed a withering glare on his customer.

"Listen, buddy," he growled. "See those two big guys on the left? They're professional football players. And that huge fellow on your right is a world-class wrestler. That guy in the corner is a champion weight-lifter. And I lettered in three sports at UCLA.

"Now," he continued, "are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your dumb-jock joke here?"

"Nah, I guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

Two explorers, camped in the heart of the African jungle, were discussing their expedition.

"I came here," said one, "because the urge to travel was in my blood. City life bored me. The smell of exhaust fumes on the highways made me sick. I wanted to see the sunrise over new horizons and hear the flutter of birds that never had been seen by man. I wanted to leave my footprints on sand unmarked before I came. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What about you?"

"I came," the second man replied, "because my son was taking saxophone lessons."

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers."

The man thought for a moment. "What are peers?" he asked.

"They're people just like you - your equals."

"Forget it," said the defendant. "I don't want to be tried by a bunch of thieves."

This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest supermarket. Follow these four-point instructions; the technique never fails. 

1. Have a look around at the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest girl in the store. 

2. Say to her, "Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the supermarket somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

3. The pretty girl will ask: "Why?"

4. You reply: "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of thin air."