A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He'd then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed.

The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the first fellow jumped out and ran up to him.

"I'm sorry to bother you," he said, over the din of the banging, "but I am very curious; could you tell me what you are doing?"

Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, "Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight tons of canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two tons of them flying all the time so I don't break an axle."

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, Heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.

The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, "Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg."

"Phew, that one's easy," says the teacher, "The Titanic."

"Alright," said St.Peter, "you may pass."

Then the thief got his question: "How many died on the Titanic?"

The thief replied, "That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1,500 people." And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: "Name them."

There was a business woman driving home on a hot day down this country road when she spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand. Since she was thirsty, she decided to stop.

Once she got up to the little boy's stand, she noticed a sign that said, "All you can drink 55 cents."

Although she thought it was an awfully small glass, she decided to get some anyway, since it was only 55 cents for all you can drink.

She gave the boy two quarters and a nickel, and shot down the whole glass in one swallow. Slapping the small glass back onto the table, she says, "Fill 'er up!"

Without blinking, the kid replies, "Sure thing, that'll be 55 cents."

Surprised, the irritated business woman sputters, "but your sign says all you can drink for 55 cents."

"It is," the innocent little boy replies without hesitation, "That is all you can drink for 55 cents."

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.

"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

The lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

Dear Lord,

So far today, I am ok.

I have not gossiped, or lost my temper.

I have not been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent.

I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.

I have charged nothing on my credit card.

But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think that I will really need your help then.