A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor. The doctor said to the couple, "I have a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father."

So the married couple decided that they would try this. The doctor put the machine on 10 percent of pain switched from the mother to the father. The husband said "I feel okay, turn it up a lot more."

So the doctor turned it up to 50 percent and the husband said, "Just put it all on me because I'm not yet feeling a thing." The doctor warned them that "this much could kill you if you're not prepared." The husband replied, "I am ready," so the doctor turned the machine up to 100 percent and still  the husband didn't feel a thing.

The couple left happy with pain-free labor and a baby, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch.

The income tax expert was visiting the school to talk about taxes. "I'm going to tell you now about 'indirect' taxes. Can anybody tell me what an indirect tax is?"

"A dog license," said Josh.

"And why is that?" asked the expert.

"The dog doesn't pay it," replied Josh.

Two spacey guys were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks.

The first said, "You know, those look like deer tracks." The other said, "No, silly, those are moose tracks."

They were still arguing about it when a train hit them.

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."

A woman walked up to a little old man who was rocking in a chair on his porch. "I notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a bottle of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

A head-on collision occurred between the automobiles of a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished.

The woman said, "This is quite an astonishing result. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." He pulled it out, downed four swallows from the bottle and handed it over.

The woman would not take it and said, "I think I will wait to celebrate until after the police arrive."

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor who had him fitted with hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear clearly. The elderly gentleman reported to the doctor after a month and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must really be pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, "Then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?"

"Yes, your honor."

"And why was that?"

"Because my wife wanted a dress."

The judge looked at his records and then said, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!"

"Yes, sir. She made me exchange it two times."