Some of these play with words might make you cringe, but you have to give some credit to those who wrote them:

• Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

• A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

• A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to trap some more. On the way back, he saw two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

• A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal chief who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the chief looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

• Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and since they already made the cases for pocket watches, they decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

• A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

• A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

• There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every room in the only hotel was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded with the proprietor. 

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have been complaining. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it."

The next morning the soldier came down to breakfast bright-eyed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better," said the soldier. 

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?"

"No, I shut him up in no time," explained the soldier.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek and whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful.' I think he must have sat up the rest of the night watching me."

Another difference between men and women:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "Bitch!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.