Merv was in a terrible accident at work that ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a large sum of money and decided to invest his money in a small telecom business. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright but then realized that he knew nothing about running such a business. He quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv, upset again, tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be better than the first two put together. Merv was anxious about it, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was surprised and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

With a laugh, the young man replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body; only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the bird's legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their legs? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

He reached his boiling point. He stood, marched to the professor's desk, crumpled his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and shouted, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

If men really ruled the world, it might be something like this:

• Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

• Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

• When your girlfriend needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

• Birth control would come in ale or lager.

• The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

• "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

• Garbage would take itself out.

• Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29 so it would only occur in leap years.

• On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking, fishing, etc. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day would remain exactly the same but it would be celebrated every month.

• Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

• Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.