• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

• Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

• A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.

• To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

• Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man, of the woman who didn't.

• There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

• Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her way. The other is to let her have it.

• Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

• Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

While we're on the subject of short pieces of wisdom, try these:

• Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

• Borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect it back.

• Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

• Never answer an anonymous letter.

• It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.

• I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

• Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.

• Few women admit their age; few men act it.

• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

• No one is listening until you make a mistake.

• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart."

• He who laughs last thinks slowest.

• Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

• Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

• There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

• Why is abbreviation such a long word?

And now, to close out today's sermon, consider this:

A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiance to his study for a talk. "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.

"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God."