A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a rolled-up newspaper.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head, this time with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a living will.

"Just so you know," he said, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I like to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and says pleadingly, "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."

He returns her gaze, "Anything?"

"Anything," she repeats.

His voice softens, "Anything?"

"Anything at all," she repeats again.

His voice then turns to a whisper and he says, "Would you study?"

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"That's true," replied the balloonist, "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Two cowboys in Texas each had his own horse, but they could never tell them apart.

So the first cowboy said, "I've got it! I'll shave the mane on my horse." So the cowboy shaves his horse's mane. But after a while the mane grew back. So the cowboys still can't tell the horses apart. Then the second cowboy said, "I've got it! I'll cut the tail on my horse really small." So he did that but after a while it grew back.

Then the first cowboy said, "OK, this time I've got it! You take the black one and I'll take the white one."