A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible that he had been wanting all his life.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-95. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rearview mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he pushed it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man thought about this a bit and then had an inspiration. He looked at the trooper and said, "You know, years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper and I ran so hard from you because I thought you might be bringing her back."

"Have a nice day!" said the trooper.

There are serious arguments against drinking to excess, but the practice can lead to some playful rhetoric such as the example that follows:

Oh-h-h-h-h, my head!

I mooned on the gaze, and I songed pretty sangs:
I heeled up my kicks and I starred at the looks:
I girled all the kisses, and belled all the rangs:
I bluffed every call, and I diced all the shooks.

I ruled all the brokes, and I homed to my went:
I tanked at my pause, and I fished all my fed.
I showered a took, and I kneed to one bent,
And prayered my utters, and bell into fed.
Oh-h-h-h-, my head!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

In our wonderful English language there is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

If you are not confused after reading this you must really be messed "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP.

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, we brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost one-fourth the page and definitions add UP to about 30.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for my time is UP, so I'll shut UP!

One last thing: When we pass on I hope we go UP.