A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer. As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voise saying seductively, "You've got nice hair." The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from.

A minute later he heard the same voice saying, "You are a handsome man." The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.

The barman replied, "It's the nuts - they're complimentary."


One night after closing time a bar owner was finishing cleaning up, when a spectral hound floats in through the door. The bar owner is scared, but asks him what he wants.

The phantom hound explains, "I've lost my tail and cannot rest until a kindly bar owner stitches it back on."

"Sorry," said the bar owner, "but we don't re-tail spirits at this time of night."


A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, "Was I in here last night?"

"You certainly were," replies the barman.

"And did I spend a lot of money?"

"You spent over $300," replies the barman.

"Thank goodness," says the man, "I thought I'd wasted it."


A man walks into a bar and asks, "Do you serve women in this bar?"

"No," replies the barman, "you have to bring your own."


Who said beer won't make you smarter? It made Bud wiser!


A guy comes running into a bar and he asks the bartender for 24 shots of his finest whisky.

When the bartender has poured the shots the guy drinks them down as fast as possible. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never seen anyone drink that fast before."

The guy says "You would drink that fast too if you had what I had" and the bartender says "What is it you have?"

And the guy says "25 cents" and runs out of the bar.


Now, let's examine more of those creative word definitions. some of which are right on target. Examples:

Consciousness - the time between naps.

Accountant - someone you hire to explain that you didn't make the money you did.

Wedding - a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

Justice - a decision in your favor.

Paradox - two physicians.

Court of law - the place where a suit is pressed and a man can be taken to the cleaners.

Flattery - an insult in gift wrapping.

Alimony - the cost of loving.

Capitalism - the survival of the fattest.

Oboe - An ill woodwind that no one blows good.

Impeccable - having immunity to woodpeckers.

Diplomacy - the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

A consultant - a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.

A born loser - Somebody who calls the telephone number that's scrawled in lipstick on the phone booth wall - and his wife answers.